Sarah's Habit

I awoke to the sound of my alarm -
a hellish noise that could wake the dead.
I hit the snooze button
with all the strength I could muster -
I wasn't ready to wake up,
but I reached for my phone
started to text you
"Good morning, darlin!"
My finger hovered over the send button.
What was the point? It was over.
"Just friends."
I didn't want that at all,
that was like a participation ribbon-
you were the trophy that I wanted
and lost.
I deleted my text;

this was a habit I needed to break.

The work day was over

and as I drove home I picked up my phone

to tell you how shitty my day is-

so I could hear you tell me it'd be alright

and advise me on what I should do,

so I could just hear your voice-

I put the phone back down;

this was a habit I needed to break.

I was finally falling asleep,

couldn't keep my eyes open any longer

when my phone rang.

I knew who it was, 'cause of the ringtone,

and with all the immediacy

of a life or death emergency

I grabbed the phone.

I stared at it for a long time, stared

at the picture that showed me who was calling:

You.

I didn't know what you could want this late...

Maybe it was a real emergency,

or maybe you just wanted to talk like we used to,

or maybe you wanted to fix things between us.

That was unlikely-

It was over.

I let your call go to voicemail.

This was a habit I was going to break.